Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
