no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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