U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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