Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
