I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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