That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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