yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
