let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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