Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
