My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
