I just gift wrapped bread.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
