Ambien. No doubt about it.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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