I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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