i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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