I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
