he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize