i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
