you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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