Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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