tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
