I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
There's always time for handjobs
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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