we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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