Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
