It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize