i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
