My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
