Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
