i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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