you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize