$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
