life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
