I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
