I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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