Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He did a backflip because drugs
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