First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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