I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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