well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
