Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize