Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
