if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
