On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
