dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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