So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
