im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
