The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
