if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize