Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
