does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
