u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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