last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
don't judge my taste in strippers
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
