we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I wear drunk well.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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