I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
