then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
