My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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