I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
this beer tastes like vomit already
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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