You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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