just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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