and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
