she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
