I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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