Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
