Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
