the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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