Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
