I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
